An Open Apology to Halle Berry

Dear Halle Berry,

While I have been well aware of the rumors that you have "had a thing" for me since the late '90s, the sands of time have relentlessly continued their downward journey and I fear that I must break some bad news to you: I recently received an incredible offer that I could not pass up and...this is so hard to tell you...I...I am now engaged to the most amazing woman I've ever met. Your cinematic flirtations, while quite heart-felt, were just not able to sustain me. It seems that I am a man that needs more direct action. I just hope that you can take some solace in the fact that your not-so-subtle advances via the silver screen did not go unnoticed.

Honestly, it has been very flattering to see you shape your Hollywood career around my personal interests in an effort to express your feelings for me. For starters, the X-Men series definitely went in the 'Win' column, but I'm even more impressed that you had the foresight to pick Storm even though you must have known that she was second on my list of "Xavier's Hottest Hotties" after Jubilee¹. Your roll of the dice was rewarded as Storm gave you significant screen time while Jubilee's role was relegated almost entirely to "bonus disc" material.

However, I don't believe this was actually your first move towards my theatrical field of vision. To find that first glance my way, we would have to step back a few years to your role in Executive Decision. My well-established penchant for action flicks made this another safe bet for you. And the humor value of having action super-star Steven Seagull Seagal killed within the first few minutes made this one a must for me, even in spite of Kurt Russel's presence. You helped kick some terr'r'st ass and you didn't look half bad in that uniform, so I would say job well done.

Technically one could even suggest tracking your desirous pursuits a little further back to The Last Boyscout, but I'm not sure a role as a stripper would have impressed up me (either then-me or now-me) that this was someone I should look to for a lasting relationship. So if it's all the same to you, I'm going to ignore this film for the purposes of this suitorial summary. Though it did star Bruce Willis...wait, no, stick to your guns, Otto.

So let's push things forward in time again, to Swordfish. Hot diggidy daffodil was that ever a sexy role for you! And that horticulture-friendly rating didn't even include your...let's say "anatomical cameo". Which I appreciated, don't get me wrong! But you might have wanted to consider broadcasting such an intimate message to a more select audience (i.e. me and, time allowing, only me!); which is why I at one point considered giving this film a net zero effect.² Only considered, that is! But who was I kidding, I can't stay mad at you!

This was quickly followed by Die Another Die, where you demonstrated that sexiness and uselessness don't have to share a proportional relationship for Bond Girls. And you did this while being "just slightly" more believable than Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist (not to say that beautiful woman can't also be highly intelligent...it's just that with Denise I wasn't buying it). This wasn't necessarily the most interesting role for you, but at least you knew I would be watching.

Then...there's Catwoman. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Catwoman. No other decision of yours so lucidly demonstrated your limitless desire for me as did your willingness to risk your entire acting career by not just acting in, but starring in, the hands-down worst big-budget comic book movie of all time.³ I mean, there are some pretty lame origin stories out there, but your arch-enemy ODing on defective cosmetics causing her skin to become tough and unable to feel pain, which they somehow then contorted into meaning sufficiently enhanced strength and agility for her to stand toe-to-toe with Catwoman? First off, I don't think "not being able to feel pain" is what they think it means: not feeling pain doesn't change the fact that your arm was just broken in ten different places; either way you are going to have a distinct disadvantage at Twister. I could go on, but seriously...what would you expect for the rest of the movie after hearing that? Or, as one of the worst stand-up comics of our time (I felt that was sort of staying with the theme...) would say, "There's yer sign!" Ugh, it even hurts to type that. And at this point I'm just going to assume that that goddamn lobotomy-inducing quote is relevant because I would fear for my sanity if I attempted to appreciate its actual meaning (assuming, once again, that my suspicions are false and it isn't in fact complete gibberish). Anyways, I have to admit that this choice of "acting" opportunities was slightly bolder than it was stupid, and I feel that it is only right to credit you with the difference. Plus there was that very tasteful leather number you wore. Oh, and then to top it off you had the balls to actually accept the 2004 Razzie for worst actress...in person. MAJOR kudos for that scale of self-deprecation!⁴

This was, however, not my sole source of concern for what I have been doing to you. I apparently had become so distracting to you that you actually missed a meeting with the Wachowskis, causing them to instead go with Jada Pinkett Smith. Or at least that's what I assume had happened because you can't tell me that Gothika was too good to pass up. Not to mention that that isn't even a genre I frequent, a fact you must have known by that time. See what I'm saying? It just doesn't add up. Oh sure, there was X2, which you knew I was totally going to see...but that still doesn't explain why you had time for Gothika and not Reloaded!

That definitely had me worried, but you didn't lose me there. No quite, at least. However, I think I can identify the last straw, the reason I was no longer able to wait for you to show up at my doorstep with a cat toy for Tippy and copies of Army of Darkness and Serenity in one hand and a bottle of Hangar One in the other: How is it womanly possible to grace the Stewart wannabes known as Letterman and Leno a combined total of ten times while only appearing on The Daily Show once? Only once! And don't try to tell me that John wasn't constantly trying to book an Academy Award winning goddess such as yourself. Only one time on The Daily Show?!? Come on! If that man asked me to mow his lawn, I would gladly fly myself out to do it. And you couldn't even be bothered with squeezing in a repeat visit on his show? That, Halle, was a mistake.

However, it would be terribly rude of me to leave you on such a harsh note, even if it is constructive criticism, so I wanted to take these final moments to thank you once again for your unrelenting dedication to capturing my attention, while simultaneously maintaining your sexinessitude. You will always have a special place in my (movie collection) heart. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...keep on truckin'.

But seriously, only once!!?


¹ Sorry, Rogue, but physical contact is a must. Repeated physical contact, that is (and, to be clear, I'm not into being the necrophilee). Just once isn't worth it and I'm no Magneto. Plus they totally neutered your character in the movies.
² Speaking of which, you should really go and rent Zero Effect some time.
³ Unless, that is, the assholes responsible for The Neon Travesty (a.k.a. Batman and Robin) are ever again given the keys to anything closer to a superhero/comic book movie than a Doritos commercial.
⁴ Woops, I almost typed "self-defecation" instead. That likely would have earned you negative kudos. Unless you're a follower of "no publicity is bad publicity".