I Confess, I'm Juicin'

And not the "I can swim well-known landmarks while towing various nautical vessels" kind of juicin'. I'm talking about the "Watch out, Baseball Hall of Fame and inevitable tell-all book deal, here I come" variety. Well, sort of... It's actually for my nose. Maybe I should back up a bit?

So it turns out that I've got a moderate case of "the apneas". More specifically, obstructive sleep apnea or OSA¹. To save you a WebMD search, it's basically a condition where, as I sleep, my airway becomes blocked (or obstructed, I suppose you could say), causing me to stop breathing. Luckily our brains are programmed to, in such cases, force our bodies to wake up to restore normal breathing. So apparently these episodes, or apneas, occur about 15 times per hour for me. And this rate - which is also called my apnea-hypopnea index or AHI - is only considered to be moderate! Scary shit, huh?

Short term this means I'm never getting a proper night's sleep. Long term this could lead to a whole host of medical issues, such as high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, cardiovascular disease...the list goes on.

Thankfully some friends and family had voiced their concerns (apparently it's quite freaky hearing someone stop breathing while they sleep...go figure!). Eventually I had a sleep study done², got diagnosed and am now doing nightly impressions of an aquaphobic scuba diver, courtesy of my very own continuous positive airway pressure (or CPAP!) machine. For those of you not up to date on your medical technology jargon, this device (not much more than a breathing mask attached to a small air pump) helps prevent my airway from getting obstructed while I sleep by pressurizing the air as I breathe. Oh, but don't worry, it also let's me exhale. Yup, they even thought of that!

I'm not gonna lie, though. It's not terribly fun or comfortable to wear and I doubt it shows up on many Top 10 Favorite Medical Treatment lists³. Other treatment options include a wide variety of surgical procedures, but they are highly dependent on what's causing the obstruction and they all have limited success rates, especially when you look long-term. There's also a list of recommended life-style changes, but those are more for treating mild cases. In the end if you want the sure-fire treatment, you gotta go CPAP. I'm still getting used to mine and while I don't suddenly feel like Nuclear Man (was that really his name??) after escaping from the moon/elevator trap in Superman IV, I am noticing a decrease in the frequency and intensity of daytime drowsiness.

Ah yes, and this finally brings me back to the 'roids. Along with the Vader starter kit, I've also been prescribed Flonase, an "intranasal corticosteroid" that is used to reduce irritation and inflammation of the nasal passages. Not only have I stopped waking up congested on a regular basis, but I also sneeze a whole lot less during the day. Roids rock! That's right, kids, just remember that steroids are your friend.

I do have one concern, however: just before I started my roid regimen, I apparently sneezed so hard that I managed to rupture a blood vessel in my eye. So now I'm thinking, what freakish House-eligible medical side effects have I set myself up for? Will I potentially share the fate of so many shih tzus and pekingese? Or should I play host to a potential steroids-based arms race as my eyes begin experimenting with synthetic stimulants just to compete with my eyes' performance enhancing drugs? Or I suppose I could realize that they're not THOSE kind of steroids and, even if they were, they would have to target the abdomen and diaphragm instead of the nasal passage. But that's sounding like a pretty damn elitist theory to me, so screw it, I'm replacing my tonsils with a fall-out shelter.

Anyways, before you go, I just wanted take a moment for a quick PSA: If you or a loved one snores heavily, seems to stop breathing for short periods at night and/or is often tired during the day, then get that person tested for sleep apnea! It could truly be a matter of life and death.

Duhn-duhn-duuuuhn!


¹This condition is also, like most things in the medical field, an acronymophiles playground.
²If you have the option, do the take-home version. The lab study provides them with more information, but the simple take-home device provides a surprising amount of critical data for them to make the diagnosis.
³Has Lettermen done this one yet?